the daily almost abnormal life of yours truely

haven't updated in awhile but now i have the time to type whatever's been bothering me.

Loneliness sucks when you are alone, and not in the sense of a girlfriend or relationship. but in the terms of friends, and why they are never there to get your back. my friends i know have lives of their own, and do their own thing. and when they need help, i help them out, or anybody that needs it.

now my objective has turned for the worse. i will not help others until they help me. and its for the best, i cannot keep giving myself, my work, and determination to whomever and not get anything in return. in terms of walking the longest line. with 3 months i have been with 3 different girls, and each one has taken me for granted. all empty promises and lies. used and abused me. and i can get over anything in a short amount of time, but one after another, and going through the same pain within days?!?!

well, thats another story. i feel myself tearing away, and getting pissed off at the smallest thing... i haven't had a good day since, well... i can't remember. i find now that i am not a person, but government property, and i am already broken down, they can say and do whatever they want, but im already torn down for them to build whatever they want to build me into. i just made their jobs easier to build me up.

i am never satisfied with any life has given me... and i feel alone. i ask myself and tell myself my boat's coming in. but it hasn't and probably never will. so i have taken another direction and live without a care in the world. i am numb, and cannot feel anything. no love, no happiness, not sad, not pissed, just blank. whomever cares to get me out of this foxhole, please give me your hand, and save me from what i am becoming... bitter. because i am fighting myself, and i am not winning. there is no victory in getting what you want, there is only hurt. and i expect to be hurt. but thats what makes me, well me.

some people tell me i am too good to be true. but i am good, and i am true. thats just me, and i think its what scares people, that they are afraid i am going to hurt them emotionally. when what you see is what you get. thats just me. i am as loyal now i was to anyone. but when you have nothing, you don't have anything to lose. so i say fuck it, what do i got to lose. i take my chances with life, and they are pretty brash, and uncontrolled, but i survive. i am only me, and i help, support, live, laugh, and hopefully will love. people back out when things are going soo well, and all the sudden " he's trying to hide something, no one is this nice, and no one is this perfect?" how am i perfect?! im not, and never will be perfect! i feel like no one knows what i am worth, and just takes the best of me, when i am giving them a part of me.

i am worth more than a patsy, or a fuck, or a driver. i am worth so much that even i can tell i have done nothing wrong to deserve this, but being a sucker for a pretty face. what the fuck. maybe i am living in the wrong era, or the wrong place. or maybe i am just looking towards the wrong people to trust my feelings with... i think that is it. when and if my next relationship comes, i don't know if i'll be too trusting with my heart, and i can only expect heart break. it sucks living life knowing you hate everything, and every moment of life.but fuck it, what do i got to lose.... nothing and thats the best part of it all.

some days you're the pigeon, and other days you're the statue. words that were spoken from a certain somebody, that i dare not mention. idk today was good, but i feel odd. like i have that pit feeling in my stomach... its really wierd. idk i just want to go out tonight and do whatever, idc what i do, but i really don't want to be stuck home. Paul gave me something to hang onto today, and thats pretty chill of him. so i think i will. i passed my end phase exam today, thank the lord. next i go off to room 220. i love it how they don't tell you the next class you enter... i wish i get undercar. that'd be sick, i could install my lowering springs, and prolly re align my car. idk, i feel a very bad vibe tonight, like i know whats going on and i think i know that i am 99.9% sure of whats going to happen to me...


maybe i should stay in???? idk why, i just feel that..... the fax machine rang and it made me jump... why am i soo jumpy.... i really need to get a hold of myself. i gotta get outa hee.

since i have had the time to really think, i know whats important to me, and mine. I have chosen to take my life as straight as i can, no drugs, no booze, no bad choices i have made. friday night i realized to myself, what am i doing here. surrounded in a life of sin, people as crooked as they can be. i was in the dark of the hearts of the heartless. ya i made some wrong moves that night, but i wasn't drinking, and i wasn't drugging. i induldged in it myself, and saw where i would be. my honda wrapped around a tree, i saw my life flash before my eyes, my hopes, my dreams crumple and i asking why? i won't give up, and my foot never came off the gas, the throttle plated opened wide as i tried to pass. pushing and pushing, and i was asking myself why? my pain is growing, but it won't gain. my life flashes before my eyes am i going insane. illegal gambling, underground races, and sprints. i told my mother i was going to kevins to fit a turbo in his car. last night i saw my shining star. friday night was good, and it was bad. it was a choice, i never should have had. me, mat, myran, and matt. thank you for that night. it was something to have had.

saturday= i went quading with matt, and that was a lot of fun. the machines were great. matt and i went offroading all day, pretty much. from 1 til 5 at night. i drove matts ford ranger which isn't a bad truck. it looks great since the last time i saw it. it was in an accident that none of us speak off. but of course that would involve the police chases. cops can't catch 3 cars at once. but quading was a lot of fun. and that night i saw amanda. i was covered in mud. so i stopped by her house with my atv and matts truck. matt went to visit his girlfriend at work. amanda's gift was really nice, it was a sweatshirt and....nevermind. but in all, maybe i was meant for her. shes always been by my side, and i never really noticed it before, except this weekend. next september she wants to take me to thailand, for one of her tornaments in kick boxing. so i guess im going with her, she said her gym will give her two tickets, and i guess im getting one, and shes getting one. its something to look forward too. today i bought her a christmas gift and she really liked, for a second i wasn't sure, but i got it anyways, and she loved it. after i saw amanda i went to Hudson to my aunt and uncles. but i was better off staying home. my uncle mike used to be a lot of fun, even when he drank... now he's getting more aggressive. i don't like it, but alas its christmas all over again. i hate it when people say "Merry Christmas" its not really all that enjoyable. idk maybe its me. but when i drove home i prayed to god, all the way home. i asked for strength and wisedom. i asked him for direction. cause frankly... i don't know where i'm heading anymore. its not much negative, but more in a positive way. im seeing things clearly, but so many oppurtunities i don't know which to go too. my aunty Rita is slowly fading away from us, and my grandfather is getting worse with his hip. uncle harry doesn't have too long to live, and i think this will be a very hard year. i never thought about aunty rita that much, except the 25G's she'll leave the year after she dies, but its sad. i've known this woman who is really my grandmothers best friend, and she's dying... i can tell you that i'll be sad. for christmas she gave me a check for 1 thousand dollars, just for SPJ customs. i hope all goes well with my family, and may god protect them all.

a long way from home...

i took a long ass drive today. and i cleared my head of everything bad. it was a drive i needed. the early morning breeze, the sun. country music coming out of my speakers. too bad life was those songs. but i thought about amanda and i, and about my family. i thought of my friend Matt that i swore i would never see again. and i regret not hanging out with him as much. hes always changing, and this time, hes a changed man. more adventerous and fun. next suday hes taking his girlfriend fourwheeling, and im taking amanda... see if we can kick up some mud. but first, i got to fix that flat tire. but in all i was waiting to type this all down. i needed a good typing, this is all coming at me too fast. and im glad i typed this. its all off my chest, and im ready to start a new page in my life. my train is moving from the station. the people that i have left will never get on again, and i say good. i didn't need them anyways. they brought me down in the first place, and like always i get back up to battle some more. life can get me down, but i get right back up and say "fuck you" and i trudge on more, and i get more, and i fight more, til the day i get my serenity, i'll always keep fighting. no matter what. if you want me to stop... well i won't stop. but to the people that look down upon me, you'll have to plug me before i stop. cause in retrospec... im doing the right thing, and you're doing the wrong. life is too short to last so live it straight, and sober.

ok soo in the morning i was having a crappy day, i almost put my car into a ditch, that was an accident, and after that i almost got hit by 2 big rigs, that was also an accidnet. i got to school, and that was even worse... but after school i went home and crashed, and then paul called, and he told me great news i cannot express how happy i am now. soo i have my shop with sean and paul. thats frickin awsome. also im getting 7gs to start with whatever i need. who know? so after christmas the shop will be ours on Jan 1. im moving my tools and tool boxes in on xmas day. the shop is in melrose, and its a two bay shop, thats pretty big. sean scouted and found a toyota camry with the front end smashed in. thats no a problem, a new subframe, a carbon fiber hood, body kit, new lights, new bulbs etc. needs a new radiator and fans. for 1,200 you bet. paul wants to get the car on the cover, but im thinking when its done it'll be just a feature press. where does the money come from you say??? its from super street magazine. George is throwing a party for us. i can't wait til i get the things i want outa life.

so this morning i woke up late again. no biggie, i got to school, and it was hard. im in a service management course now, only for today and tomorrow. it was pretty cool, so far my team and i are leading the way with our Porsche dealership.
when i got out of school, the sun was shining down on me, greeting me with its warmth and comfort. it was only a sign that today was going to be a good day. and it was. i got to work early, and i got out early too. well by ten minutes. Jill says she misses me, and i do miss her. i miss her more than she knows. when i got out of work i bawled the whole way home, i took back roads to my house, but even at that people knew i was crying. when i got home i took a shower and went to a meeting in winchester town hall. its an alanon meeting so... but i left feeling pretty good, i told my story and why i was there. people thought it was great to have a 'young person' in there group. mostly old people and mid age house wifes. but they told me to keeping coming. and i guess i will. i like my normal meetings at braintree and arlington. i don't really have a favorite AA meeting, but im sure i'll find a young people's group. i wish i could talk to her, just for a second... i really do miss her. i just have faith in the best. but i should probably go to sleep. and i know, i write an entry every morning when i get to school, but this is a big help when the day ends. and plus, i like to write, so it works out i guess. and i write letters too, every day i write a letter. idk why, but i do.

So my day was good, not too bad depending on how i look at it. i woke up around 5, and fell back alseep until 5:50. i got ready in about 3 mins, got my coffee and hit the highway. i got to school early, as always. i wasn't late at all today! woo hoo!

I aced my test and on friday i am going to take my A.S.E Certification in A.C. units. apparently you can't work on the ac on a car without it. 15 bucks for the test 30 questions, and the license. i have been in a downer mood lately. but i hope everything is brighten, and i know the one thing that would brighten my day. to just hear her voice. i got to work, and sean threw something at my face, and it left a mark, so i was pissed at him, but he gave me two hugs and ask " Ya wanta kiss me big boy!"

after work i came home cause my mother needed the car, and i took a shower, and when she got home i went to a meeting. 2 meetings in two days. John is my sponsor now, which is pretty wicked. he's in AA and i like the fact he's my friend too. he said he wants me to do this, cuz i told him about yesterday. and he said to just prove my worthiness to her. which i will. so i went to my meeting today which is in lexington, and its pretty much the same as the other AA meetings, older people much older than me, but i need this. i got my 24hr chip today. and i'm thinking about giving it to Jill. i want to give her every chip i receive from my meetings, i just want to show her, that i'd do anything to get her back in my arms again. i was thinking about quiting smoking too, but i need to do one thing at a time here. this week i'm going to work on my steps. step one.

"we admit we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives have become unmanageable."

so far i need to admit it, and i have, that doesn't mean the step is done. i talked to Mrs. O'shea today as well. and i am willing to spend christmas with them, and i am willing to accept daves apology to me, and i will forgive him. i have forgiven him, and i don't think down on the O'sheas at all, i very much respect them, and love them no matter what. as i have before.

I don't know how much hope there is for us, but i do hope that one day, we can be together again, and happy. and i know it sounds stupid, but i'm going to say it anyways. all i want for christmas is her. i don't want money, i don't care about presents, or cd or clothes. i want my jilly bean back. yesterday was the toughest day of all. i went christmas shoppingwith my friend amanda all day and everything reminded me of her, i even saw happy feet again and i wanted to cry.

i want to cry right now. and we went to the saugus mall and there was this pet shop and there was a palmaraian, i took a picture of it on my phone, and i thought of her. i wished i could have bought the dog... i miss her soo much, i really do.

how to modify my life. its simply really, kind of like a car. yes my life as a car, finally.

today was not a grand one. niether was last night, and i am ful heartidly sorry, i did not mean that to happen at the end of the night, and i can asure you babes, after i do this couple of things my stress factor will greatly decrease.

School: i don't like going from 2-815 at night, its sucks, i am physically, emotional drained and i don't like going home right after school, i'd rather eat a home cooked meal, and spend time with Jill, my family, and maybe my friends if they decide not to blow me off. i hate driving at night, especially at midnight 1 o clock in the morning, not your fault, but i'd rather not go home soo late. i would love to take a shower and spend 5 hours on my own free time instead of 1, 1 and a half.

Work: Linda you are a heartless no good workoholic with nothing better to do than look at me as if i was a punk from winchester. next time listen and learn from your employees cuase i won't have you make a fool out of me again. today i will talk with student services and ask if they can look up a dealership job, or any job with a better salary than 8 bucks an hour. and tomorrow morning, i say fuck it, i want 9 through 10 bucks an hour, my hours are going to change like it or not. im am so sick of taking peoples shit in and out, i have fucking had it. i need a better payroll, i need a better job, and i want my own free time.

result: If i go to school from 6AM-noon, i can see the people i want to see, and spend more time with them
Examples: family, friends (if they even call me back), Jill.
Payroll: Assertiveness is the key to great results. might stay the same or i might get an extra 40 dollars a week.
stress: less of it, alot less of it
Home: cleaning my room and maybe my car.
doing the things i want to do up until 10PM.
energy: i'd have a lot of it. and my bed would be 10 minutes away instead of 55 minutes.
attitude: would be a little bit more upbeat, i'd be closer to the people i want to be closer with.

end results.
less stress
more energy
more time with my family, and jill
maybe a career change
maybe more money
shoving this in Lindas face
and more respect.

theres a shift i can feel it. idk, maybe its me, maybe its not. i think its better if her and i didn't speak for a while. maybe she cares, maybe she doesn't. but when i get off the phone with her, she doesn't even wait til i say bye. i say bye after she hangs up, or last night when amanda and i were at her work. she didn't let me give her a kiss, and ya even though i was sick i would've given her a peck on the cheek.....


where is this going, and where is this heading????

its 7:37 AM, and i got up at 7. don't ask i thought it was later. i put some A+D on my tatoo, it still kinda bothers me, but i'll survive... what to talk about this morning. oh, my neighbor as a turbo charged Porsche 911. not 911 the emergency number, its the model of the car. i heard him spool out and it went PSSSSSHHHH when he switched gears... i've been thinking about buying a toyota Supra lately, wickedly nice cars, and with a stock engine, it produces 350 BHP. or a Nissan 300ZX, its BHP is lower, but styling wise, i'd go for the T top. both cars would be standard. wow, idk thats it.

lately i have been feeling a little disregarded, and hurt. i mean i haven't changed, and i know what i want, but theres still some answers that i haven't gotten and i don't know why i keep having these bad vibes and i don't know why i still feel like there is something being kept from me. like someone is hiding something or something like that. i don't know, i mean some of it has to do with Jill, and even though i do have true feelings for her, but i don't think she feels the same way. and i know this is stupid to write or post or blog about, i know its pathetic and meaniless. but i don't know what else to do. just once i would like to hear her say i care about you alot, or 3 simply words I <3 you. i would like to know that i'm the only one that she's interested in, and theres nothing that can change that. i mean i feel like i'm the only one putting effort into this, and that im giving and yet im not getting anything in return. yesterday she apologized for the way shes been acting and stuff, and thats a first step, but still, we're not out of the woods yet. its killing me, and i don't know how long i can take this pain, it hurts to know that you feel deeply for someone in a relationship, and constantly feeling like theres something being hidden from you. i don't know what happened from tuesday night (last week) til now, but whatever it is, or who it is, please stop. i don't know, maybe i should get my things tonight. or at least talk to her in person, i mean shes on a verge of losing me. and i really don't want that to happen, just once i would like to hear what she feels for me, and what she sees when she looks at me, or even what she thinks when she thinks of me. we always used to talk things out, we still do but not completely and if there was no interruptions it would make talking this out a lot easier. i just want to know that im not wrong about her. i don't know maybe when i see her it'll be better, maybe she'll rope me in her arms and kiss me, and never let me go.